Royal Rumble

The Wildboys do battle at Windsor

The year is 1805 and the battleground set. Tempestuous seas strike the Cape of Trafalgar and the British Royal Navy are faced with an impenetrable line of the combined French and Spanish fleet. Twenty seven British ships carrying noble and able seamen are led by the charismatic Admiral Lord Nelson aboard HMS Victory. After a battle of epic proportions, the frog eating French and the Rioja swilling Spanish are finally defeated. But at what cost? Their illustrious leader, Horatio Nelson, is shot by a cowardly French musketeer.

Fast forward two hundred and twelve years, 21st October 2017, and the Wildboys face their own “Battle of Trafalgar” in the foreground of Windsor Castle. With the Queen looking imperiously on from her resplendent position, the Wildboys knew they had much work to do if they were going to get their names on the 2018 Honours list.

This week the Wildboys were being led out by Wild Bill given the White Bro’s both being out of action due to the plight of storm Brian. It was a typical, disjointed start for the Wildboys with many players being late for various reasons. Most notable were Harry Franklin and Harry Lowe who were spotted mincing around in Windsor for a spot of shopping prior to the warm up. It was blowing a gale and conditions looked testing. Were the Gods of War against the Wildboys?

At Kick off, the Wildboys were pushed deep into their half. Thad, playing at fly half, was forced to kick into the wind and find touch. Windsor had made a large net gain and it was their ball. A clean take and strong, tight work from Windsor saw them rumble over the Wildboys line inside 90 seconds. A bad way to begin battle.

The Wildboys hit back in quick time with excellent work from George “Heartbreak Kid” Hope down the blind side. The scores were level. Several minutes into the game, Franklin got a hurty shin and had to make way for the touch line. Fortunately, back up was on hand with Richard “Big Rig” Barnes taking charge of the situation.

The Wildboys then exploited a period of dominance albeit plagued by far too many scrums. The game was largely held within the forwards with no real flow of play allowed. At one stage the referee had to take both captains, John Goodson and his opposite number to one side to discuss the instability of the scrums. It was quite clear that John “Wreck it Ralph” Goodson and his opposite number had locked horns in a battle of the titans. They were given a stern warning by the referee. Soon after, George “Sexually Frustrated” Hope expressed his discontent with this and pretty well squashed the tights heads’ head into his neck, forcing him to retire hurt.

The Wildboys then experienced their first period of sustained pressure which culminated in Max “The Weasel” Wood making a desperate and heroic try saving tackle. But like a sponge, this pressure was soaked up and reapplied upon Windsor. Some frighteningly strong ball carrying from Richard “Bulldozer” Barnes as well as a nicely timed offload put Thaddeus AKA the “Gladiator” through, which he duly converted.

The second half was again plagued with ill-discipline from the Wildboys, many many scrums and mistakes from both sides. There was a huge amount of forwards play, with each member of the pack putting in the hard yards to defend the line. On more than one occasion, good defence managed to get the Wildboys out of hot water. Windsor managed to make headway into the Chinnor half, their 10, seeing no other option, went for the drop goal which seemed to hang in the squally winds for an age, but eventually sailed between the up rights.

Some more ferocious tackling saw another one of Windsor’s players retire to the medic. One particular moment of pure rugby bliss was seeing Jayson “Squidward” Abbott pile into his opposite number. The resulting collision was of such gigantic proportions and magnitude, it registered 7.3 on the Richter Scale. At that very moment, a jeer of sheer delight echoed from the private wing of the castle. The Queen had a taste for blood!

Windsor soon returned the favour. Their 15 charged full steam ahead into Guy “Never bought a round” Hackshaw with catastrophic results. To his credit, Guy got to his feet and soldiered on, continuing with his good work rate round the park.

A number of raids were made towards the Windsor line and eventually Harry “Bomber” Hillier squirted his way over the line. That made the score line 17 – 8, with still quite some time left on the clock.

The remainder of the game was broken up by a series of mini excursions whereby both teams nearly made it to the line. By this stage, the match had become more jagged, with backs and forwards strewn all over the place in no particular order. With about 13 minutes on the clock, the ill-tempered Weasel got himself into a scrap with the opposition 8. He claimed there was a good reason for the fight to break out. But when asked about the incident post-match, the reason seemed rather unclear. It must also be noted that his fighting style was likened to “passionate love making” by one member of the Wildboys. In any case, The Weasel was handed a yellow and sat on the naughty step for the next 10 minutes.

Finally, the last play was upon the brave Wildboys and Bomber dispatched the ball into touch.

A special mention to Richie Barnes who was awarded Man of the Match for his barn storming performance. Sadly, as he was not present at court, the effort for gallantry was therefore jointly awarded to Hopey and Jayson.

Mare of the Match was gifted to Harry “Top Mincer” Franklin for his tardiness, forgetting the water bottles and most damming of all, he forgot the John Smiths. It was the first time in the history of the Wildboys that they had played without a post-match smitty. For that heinous crime, there was no option but to prepare a rather hateful pint of filth for him to consume. However, as he was driving, the pint was awarded to his partner in crime of equal disrepute, Harry “Park Rat” Lowe!

An apology to Dan Cundy for his all too brief appearance on the pitch.

The Wildboys’ can sleep easy knowing that they have not disgraced the name of the valiant, Admiral Lord Nelson. See you on the New Year’s Honours list……

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