The alternative Chinnor Christmas 7s Touch rugby match report
By Alex Bond
I write this report in a hot steamy Radox bath, covered in Ralgex and rattling full of Ibuprofen...
Chinnor RFU was about to witness rugby on a different level, play that has never been seen before, and hopefully will never be seen again.
The day started with team selection, a mix of speed, agility and skill was distributed evenly amongst the various parents, most of who obviously got dressed in the dark (Dave Cook & Bondy) !!!
Will Cullen looking very nervous on the sidelines, armed with his Defibrillator, medical kit, Ralgex and paracetamol for last night hangovers, but he seemed more worried he may have to give mouth to mouth to one of the dads!
Julia Bond, looking like a Christmas pudding got the games underway with a big blow on her horn, let the games begin !!!
The first 60 seconds of the 12-minute games were underway, and can only be described as an enthusiastic mishmash of puffing, panting, bad handling and forward passes, the remaining 11 minutes were even worse.
The second game was shorted to 10 minutes per game due to an announcement that the bar was opening earlier, but the rugby continued at a fast and furious pace as long as you played it in slow motion. The only notable play was Jim Smith trying to drum up some business by tackling his mate Metcalf around the neck!!!
Alex "Hot Potato Hands" Bond took the decision, on the advice of Medic, Will Cullen to shorten the third games to 8 mins as his defibrillator had no battery in it !!!
Games 3 brought together 2 of the unbeaten teams. In this "Alexander Family Fued" game. No love was lost, no quarter given and no good rugby was played, until the last play of the game. Rob Alexander, from 5 yards out, ran, twisted, turned, jinked, swerved and dived over for a winning try, but in a true gentlemanly, fatherly way, he put his arm around his broken son, Josh and called him a "loser"!!
Games 4 were littered with pulled muscles, the realisation that us dads are fat not fit, blowing from every orifice doesn't mean you have a turbo. The tournament favourites comprising of The Ginger Smith from Hartpury, Big Ben Golding and Father Christmas and Hugh "the roundabout " Riley.
This game had everything, fast and free flowing rugby wasn't one of them !! This game should have seen 2 red cards, but the ref didn't show them as it clashed with Josh's hair !! The Cheeky Chubby Chappie Metcalf was flying down the wing with the try line in sight when he was Owen Farrelled !!! Taken out by Golding, it was late, high and no arms were used, a straight red in anyone's book !!!
Retaliation was then on the agenda, cos that's what rugby players do, Golding was to big and scary, Ginger Josh was to quick, Hugh was to slow, so Santa got it, and got it good, beard and hat went flying !!! And cries from the crowd "Metcalf has just killed Santa" rang out.
Then the deciding moment, Chris "Brook" Bond spun the ball wide to his sis, Vanessa, she is a quick learner, and unlike her dad she caught the ball, she looked up and saw Hugh Riley in front of her. She smiled, blew him a kiss and ran round him, twice !!! to score the winning try, Game over. Champions and Bragging rights go to Finn, Henry, The Bond kids and parents Alexander & Metcalf, the rest of you are not winners!!!
The final game was coaches against parents, an unfair match I hear you say but remember the coaches had Alex, and straight from the kick off he lived up to his new nickname "Hot potato hands" as he dropped and knocked on the kick off. The game ebbed and flowed with scores to settle all over the pitch. Tim Wright against Jim Smith (who would be customer, who would be client?), Louise Riley showing there is pace and power in the Riley household. Mrs Blackwell looking fantastic and making a big play for scrummaging in touch rugby. Mrs Cook telling her son, the referee, the parents will win and finally, Mr Metcalf showing his son you can play rugby with a hangover!!!
Then it happened, the play of the day, Sharon Maisey finally caught the ball, "like Jane Fonda 1976" she danced down the wing, dodging and squealing, pigtails flowing in the wind, finally making the dive for the winning try, leaving the coaches in her wake still looking at her leggings !! Parents win, Coaches lose.
There will be photos to follow once Stuart "David Bailey" McIntosh learns how the camera works.
If anyone is offended by this write up, hard luck !!! Brilliant morning, Great fun, thank you Alex for organising, Happy Christmas and have a wonderful New Year.
Go Chinnor !!
Match report by David Metcalf