The 10 year anniversary

REUTERS PRESS ALERT - FOR IMMEDIATE CIRCULATION

Touchline Society in "Shock and Awe" scandal

The celebrations around the Touchline Society's 10th anniversary visit to Twickenham became shrouded in mystery, dispute and violence as the organisation released its "Shock and Awe" campaign on those who attempted to hold the Society hostage in the deserts of Buckinghamshire last evening.

Using the latest video-phone technology, we have been able to capture minute by minute real-time photographic evidence of the monumental events of the past 24 hours which are included as part of this press release, together with quotes which can be used by any press agency around the world for your stories.

	12:00 GMT: Beginnings Its 12:00 noon at Chinnor Rugby Club as the members of the Society assemble for the journey through the desert to Twickenham. Events happening around the world had already had a direct impact on the strength of Society's fighting force as one member; Lt. Col. Peter Woodward (OBE and bar), was unable to continue. Woodward was caught up in a "cash for travel" scandal with a supplier in Bali which meant that all his worldly goods and chattels were currently being investigated by MI5 as he was suspected of laundering his vast wealth through a series of illegal business transactions. This investigation appears to have little affect on Woodward's outward demeanour, but does raise serious questions regarding his long term position within the Society.
	13:00 GMT: The long road to Twickenham The Society commenced the long journey through the scrub land of Buckinghamshire and Berkshire in their recently acquired armoured personnel carrier. This shot shows members of the Society in full battle fatigues proudly wearing the badge of the coalition on their left breast. It is interesting to note that some of the badges of honour are bigger on some members; this is because their breasts are of differing sizes! Sgt. Paul Hunt (MBE and Everton supporter) dons his night vision glasses and reviews the landscape looking for signs of enemy movement. Hunt is a founder member of the Society having been involved in all previous incursions into enemy territory; his streamlined physique is likened to an "UNcoiled spring" due to the passage of years, but his personal experience of these battles will no doubt provide others in the Society with much needed mental support.
	14:00 GMT: Weapons of mass destruction identified Within minutes of reaching "Base Camp Twickers", an un-named enemy official meets the Society. During a routine weapons inspection, Col. Bob (we cannot disclose his real name as we are bound by the Official Secrets Act due to the fact that Col. Bob is used by the Society for undercover operations where he will go missing for long periods of time) holds up evidence from the weapons inspection. The enemy makes motions towards the chemicals which have been hidden in Budweiser bottles claiming that Budweiser is a weapon of mass destruction that is available all over the world and why should we be penalised for keeping these nasty chemicals anyway?
	14:10 GMT: Check in with the Coalition Force commander SAS member Sgt Paul Chapman (MBE and Viagra) speaks on secure satellite phone to Coalition Force HQ to gain intelligence data as to the secret rendezvous location for the armoured personnel carrier after the battle is over. Chapman; another veteran member of the Society, is recognised around the world due to his mammoth frame being used for the design of the GI Joe army toys loved by many children. Chapman always denies the truth in this statement; we will let the reader decide!
	15:00 GMT: Its hot thirsty work As undercover agents, the Society mingles with the enemy and as you can see blend in perfectly. Sgt. Major Frank Devine (VC and glasses (normally beer)) passes a drink to Rob Johnson, DNS (Drunk Newcastle Supporter) who looks on with amazement as this is the first time in living member that Devine has performed such a heroic act. That is an indication of the bond between the team on this historic occasion
	. Bob (the undercover guy) and Hunt discuss tactics - note the concerned look on Bob's face as he is still having problems with his night vision goggles and ensuring they are correctly worn.
	Malcolm X (or Malc to his friends) dons the latest British Army standard release gas mask against these terrible weapons of mass destruction. Malcolm X's identity has to be protected. He also is using the latest counter-intelligence device devised for such operations; a satellite receiver disguised as a Benson & Hedges. An excellent use of micro-technology.
	Private David Howe watches on in amazement as Chapman eats the standard Society rations. While this may look like a normal beef burger; it is actually full of chemicals designed to ensure that the Society can function at 100% for long periods of time. Or maybe that is a normal burger?! These standard rations do have an effect on the bodily functions and cause significant levels of gas in the digestive system. As you can see from Howe's expression he is obviously struggling to come to terms with this form of biological warfare.
	Now relieved from his problem, Howe greets other members of the Society as they prepare for battle. Hunt looks pensive as he scans the horizon for signs of enemy activity.
	16:00 GMT: The battle commences The victory over the arch enemy is swift, but not particularly decisive. The Society members are spread in the crowds performing their undercover acts of patriotism and daring.
	18:00 GMT: The battle is over, but is the war won? Howe and Chapman celebrate the well won victory. Chapman describes how he held the enemies private parts to gain their surrender and Howe shows off the injury received during battle (notice the missing middle finger)
	Press Officer Dave Winpenny (MBA and bullshit) undergoes the ritual body cleansing after battle. In an environment where water is at a premium and to continue to make strong bonds within the Society, the battle hardened colleagues lick each other to ensure personal hygiene. Howe is also seen examining one of the several orifices that this process involves. Even battle hardened veterans like Winpenny find this procedure difficult to handle.
	Hunt and Devine discuss the battle. Hunt shows Devine his trophy of war; an enemies testicle!
	Malc (or Malcolm X to his enemies) views his personal satellite receiver. Obviously the news from other battle-fronts is good as he reads the messages on his screen. One message was "What do you call an intelligent blonde?" Answer: A golden retriever.
	19:30 GMT: Leaving the battle front The armoured personnel carrier returns and the Society start the long road home. Malcolm X (or Malc to his friends) discovers that he was injured during the battle. A stray bullet hit him in the shoulder and he is in great pain as others in the Society look on and laugh?!
	Devine takes a well needed rest. Viewed by many as a stabilising influence in the Society, Devine can be guaranteed to remain calm even under the greatest of stress.
	Devine wakes up as he remembers the battle and how easy it was for victory to be won.
	The battle is won - the Society set off for the long trip back to the wilds of Buckinghamshire. On this occasion the battle was won easily as most of the hard work was done by a proud group of 21 soldiers from another team The white army was victorious and destroyed the enemy from the North with a display of power and performance not often seen. However, this is not the end of the story - the title of this article is "Touchline Society in Shock and Awe scandal". So far there has been very little shock and not a great deal of awe, but the road through the wilderness of Berkshire and into Buckinghamshire posed a much greater threat than anyone in the Society would have ever imagined.

The journey home was nearly over; the Society has manoeuvred around obstacles in the road especially at road junctions; taken pit stops to attend to bodily functions AND personal hygiene by using their resourcefulness to take a leak in a car wash.

But as the team left the highway from Twickers to Command HQ, an event which truly showed the awesome power of the Society and its affects on the enemy. Imagine the scene...........

Leaving the highway at 21:30 GMT under cover of darkness, the Society's armoured personnel carrier comes to a halt at the Stokenchurch junction leaving the M40.

In front is an innocent looking transport vehicle. The door of the vehicle opens and out steps a man; this man is obviously the enemy as he is wearing what looks like the badge of the enemy from the previous battle. However, the Society have been lulled into a false sense of security and for the first time in nearly 24 hours are inattentive as to what is developing before them.

The enemy greets the driver who opens the window. Words are exchanged; obviously in anger and in a foreign tongue, the enemy reaches in, steals the keys to the armoured carrier leaving in a hail of bullets and stones with the statement that "The Presidential Guard will be back for you all".

The temperature in the carrier rises immediately as the members suddenly realise what has happened. As they get out and look at the sky they suddenly realise that it is a full moon with little or no cloud cover; this means they are a perfect target for an airborne attack from the enemy!

Rushing into the undergrowth, the confusion causes the Society to draw together to collect their thoughts and develop their battle plan. Winpenny, Hunt and Johnson use their satellite communications tools to phone into battle HQ to arrange for transport to come and pick them up immediately.

The battle plan is devised and the Society wait for the opportunity to launch their offensive. The pressure inside the team is immense; loved ones will be waiting for news, Chapman has to return back to base camp soon so that his life supporting drug regime can be maintained (it is Saturday after all!) and the air is silent. It is cold - the temperature drops significantly at night in the deserts of Buckinghamshire. They wait. They wonder what is in store for them. Is the enemy watching them?

Aircraft can be heard overhead. Its a false alarm as the Boeing 747 Jumbo jet overhead must be taking political prisoners back to Scotland after the enemy defeat.

Then in the distant, a transport can be seen. The Society are confused - they know of no coalition transports within 100 miles of their secret location. The Society hide as this could be enemy reinforcements coming to outnumber the brave band of 8 people. Their personnel carrier has a capacity for 16 people, but as money is no object in this war, it was used as-is.

The transport draws up, its headlights blinding the members of the Society. They are all tense and ready to spring into action should the need arise.

The next 3 minutes were of such cataclysmic importance to the overall war and happened so fast, it was only as a result of seeing the Society in action that I can truly say "I have seen Shock and Awe in real life".

The driver of the transport opens his window as the Society surround the enemy vehicle. The Society have decided that its one for all and all for one and if they go down they will go down fighting. They are outnumbered as the enemy had notified his HQ of the Society's location and was waiting for the air offensive to commence.

Devine is first into action, wrenching open the door of transport and dragging the enemy out onto the ground. In the confusion, he is injured as the enemy tries to remonstrate with the Society. The tension is electric and some of the members appear to be confused. They have never been in such a situation before.

The enemy waves his arms in the air remonstrating with the Society as it pushes forward; they are baying for blood as the Society is threatened and with their backs to the wall.  The enemy speaks in jumbled English which cannot really be heard above the noise and commotion. Winpenny, Hunt, Chapman and Malcolm X hold back other members of the team who are shouting that they will eat the enemies liver. The enemy is confused and pathetic, he tries to get back in his transport, he fails!

Devine; who has gone from being the gentle giant in the group to a tense, clinical fighting machine within seconds outlines the future life expectancy of the enemy if the armoured personnel carrier is not released immediately.

The enemy panics and asks for time to explain. The Society listen; the atmosphere is electric, sense and reason and cold clinical professionalism return after the rush of adrenaline. The enemy tries in broken English to tell the Society that he was under orders from the High Command and Elite Guards to immobilise the Society's transport and that he would get paid his full allowance if he did so. His family are starving and he needs the money as under his cruel dictator he only normally receives payment for his toilet cleaning duties.

He goes on to explain that he had heard of the power of the Society before, but because the enemy plan was simple, he thought that he could be man enough to carry it off.

But, when he saw the Society in real life he suddenly realised that they truly were a world power and that he would now be a hunted man for the rest of his life. He decided that he would rather starve than be a wanted man by the Society. As a result he decided to come back and enable the Society's transport again.

The members of the Society didn't believe his first story, but they believed his second story even less! The second attempt at keeping his life entailed a wicked fabrication of twisted lies where the enemy thought that the Society armoured personnel carrier had been hijacked by a renegade team from Henley who were going to infiltrate the Society's organisation before the next battle in 24 hours. He suddenly realised as he was driving away that the faces he had seen under the moonlit night were not from Henley, but were the Society. He feared for his life, wife and family as the reputation of fearsome warriors such as Johnson were known to the whole enemy forces. He didn't want his liver to be served up on Johnson's plate!

Which ever story was true, it matters not. The power of the Society is such in world politics that even though the enemy had disabled their transport and knew their exact location, the enemy could not be sure that they would all be killed and didn't want the threat of future vengeance against them. Basically, the Shock and Awe tactics of the Society over the past 10 years has created a force which cannot be overcome even when the Society appears to be broken.

The Society won through and returned to a deserted battle HQ in victory.

Summary and conclusions

The power of the Society is now unparalleled in human history - the lean, mean fighting machine which is a product of 10 enemy encounters has proved time and time again that they are the ones for the big occasion.

There are some concerns that the Society needs to watch for:

• It is very interesting for the writer to note that Woodward was unable to attend this years battle. The excuse he used was sound, or appeared sound at the time he articulated it, but in the cold light of events one has to ask whether the loyalty towards to Society shown by Woodward is waning; after all his business dealings outside of the Society have not been successful recently. Maybe Woodward needs additional funds to support his businesses and has turned to the enemy in return for cash!
• Battle HQ was closed when they returned back victorious. Why? Has the power of the Society become so great that even their own commanders are now asking if they can afford to have such a fighting force? If they expected the Society to return triumphal then surely the battle HQ would have been there to greet them in victory?

Only time will tell........

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